As I am writing this I am 4 weeks postpartum, our little Archibald was born 4 weeks ago. How did that happen, the time has gone by so quickly which is what I feared. Archibald was born on Tuesday 30th May via a planned C-Section, the most nerve-racking yet joyous moment. Since Archibald has been born I have been keeping a journal of how I am feeling and what I am doing. I came across a lady I follow on Instagram who brought a 5-year diary, every day she writes in it. I thought it was a lovely idea and something I could read to my children in years to come. Some of what I have written in this journal I have shared in this blog post, I am sure many of you mums reading this will relate to these feelings and emotions.

Leading up to the birth I was so scared and nervous about the planned section that on reflection I don’t think I enjoyed the last few months of my pregnancy, which now makes me feel so sad as Archie is probably our last baby (My husband certainly says no more children!!). For those of you that do not know I used to be a children-intensive care nurse, they say nurses make the worst patients and it is absolutely true. In the weeks leading to the section, all I could think of was all the things that could go wrong. I tried to speak with my friends and my Instagram community about my nerves in an attempt to get some kind of reassurance. Despite everyone who had experienced a planned c-section sharing me their amazing experiences I was still so scared!

So it was the evening before the planned c-section, we took Arthur and Florence round to my mum’s where they were going to stay for the next 24 hours whilst I was in hospital. I tried so hard to hold back the tears, I didn’t want my children to see mummy scared and upset. Arthur is such a sensitive soul and thinker, knew I was going to the hospital and the last thing I wanted was for him to worry. Well…that never happened I couldn’t hold the tears back as we said goodbye. It was the last time we would be a family of 4 and all the questions filled in my head; will they be ok, will they struggle, will I have enough time for them on their own etc? I remember feeling like this when Florence was born, so excited about Arthur being a big brother but equally guilty for having another child. I knew all these feelings would pass once our baby was born. As soon as we got home after leaving the children I text my mum to check if Arthur and Florence were ok and of course, they were, it was like we had not even left!! They were causing chaos with Aunty Katie!

That night I tossed and turned, desperately trying to get sleep as I knew this would be the last uninterrupted night's sleep for a long time! I eventually fell asleep and then it was time to get up. When you have a planned c-section you cannot eat before a certain time before the operation and you had to be in the postnatal ward at 7 am ready for the team to check you in. We decided to get there a little early as apparently you get seen quicker. I was second on the list. The anaesthetist, surgeon and the rest of the team came to see me before the section. I asked lots of questions and explained that I was really nervous, I am so glad I did this as they did put my mind at rest a little.

It was 10.30 am and the midwife came to collect me. I remember walking down the corridor to the theatre holding my pillow in my sexy hospital gown. I had to go into the theatre on my own to start with whilst they gave me the spinal, Brett had to wait outside. I was absolutely terrified. The last time I was in the theatre having a spinal was when I was 10cm dilated and in excruciating pain with Florence, so it was completely different. This time I was going in cold stone sober knowing exactly what was going to happen, I was shitting myself, excuse the language. The team tried very hard to settle my nerves, I grabbed the theatre nurse’s hand and would not let her hand go. I could feel like eyes fill up with tears, breathing getting faster I was so so scared. I had to keep very still whilst the anaesthetist placed the spinal in my back. Once it was in they lay me down on the table and did the checks to make sure it was working properly. That was bloody horrendous, if you have been pregnant you will know that lying on your back is not the most comfortable experience and I tell you it wasn’t any better with a spinal. On top of that, I was nursing a cough from hay fever. I panicked as when I coughed it didn't feel like there was much effort, my nursing brain was getting increasingly anxious at the thought of this (was there a problem with my airway!!!). I mentioned this to the anaesthetist, the colour left her skin as she asked me to cough, and she reassured me that my cough was good it was because the spinal block had come right up just below my boobs which is why I couldn’t feel the cough as much! It was so scary! Once they were happy that the spinal was working Brett could come into the theatre room.

We were told antenatally we could have a playlist played during the c-section which at the time I wasn’t too fussed about but luckily we created one anyway. When Brett entered the theatre room he put the playlist on straight away and immediately relaxed me and took my mind off things. The anaesthetist was amazing, she spoke to me throughout the whole procedure about what was happening. I think it was around 15 minutes after Brett came into the room Archibald was born, so it was very quick, it was the sewing up afterwards that took longer but that wasn't too bad as my mind was distracted with having Archibald on my chest. After the procedure they took me through to recovery, the whole team were so lovely and made me feel safe. I was so pleased I went for an elective C-section as my previous two births were very traumatic. This birth felt very different and calm.

The first 24 hours of Archie being born were spent in the hospital, which I really enjoyed. I love the little hospital bubble, just me and Archie with no distractions. Arthur and Florence came to visit us in the hospital the day he was born, which we were in two minds about doing. I was a little anxious in case Florence got upset leaving me, but it was the best decision and felt so special. This time round both children really understood they had a little baby brother and were so excited. The following day they discharged me home, which on reflection was very quick. If you are having a planned c-section I would push to stay in for another night. I had to walk from the ward to the car park and oh my it felt like something else. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, I forgot the intense pain following a C-section. That day once we got home was a bit of a blur, I was dosed up to my eyeballs on morphine navigating through being a new mum of 3 children. It wasn't quite like the relaxing hospital experience I had before coming home. Brett was amazing at helping with the children and really taking care of it, but it was still very intense and at times I felt very guilty for not being able to do anything. Archibald was born during half term so Arthur was around all week. It was bittersweet, so grateful to have him at home but also it was very intense trying to still be a mother to Arthur and Florence whilst allowing my body to rest and heal. Our family and friends were amazing with support.

These first few days at home with Archibald and the children felt so so special, this time around the newborn bubble felt even more special.

“The newborn bubble. This time round it feels even more precious as I know it will likely be our last baby. Days spent staring at your ten little toes and ten little fingers. Cocooning ourselves at home with no desire to see anyone, never wanting it to end. “

Maybe that’s because I knew deep down inside how quickly it goes so I really cherished those first few days. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Over the next few months, I plan to share with you all more insight into my postpartum journey, the good bits and the not-so-good bits. For those of you going through a similar journey, don’t try and be a hero, deep breaths, you got this!